Wednesday, February 17, 2016

One year later

I feel like this is a pretty downer post, so for that I'm sorry? I'm writing this post in an effort to ease some of the pain I am feeling today. Not physical pain, but a very frustrating emotional pain.

One year ago I woke up early after an uncomfortable night of the worst abdominal pain. I was so bloated and cramping so hard that I could barely use the bathroom. I couldn't seem to find any position that was comfortable. I left Greg in bed and tried the couch and I think I managed to sleep a little longer.

I had been experiencing this pain for two days on varying levels. When I woke up again I texted my mom and sister. My mom insisted I needed to go to the doctor. I felt stupid at just the idea of it. It was just bloating! What was the big deal? It was also my first day of my new position at work. Calling in sick might be a bad start, ya know?

I did it anyway. I called the doctor and they were able to get me in right away. I emailed work saying I was going to the doctor and I might not be in or I would be late. Greg went to work and Nanny drove me to the doctor. Of course as soon as I got up and started moving around the pain eased and I felt even more stupid for going.

The doctor pressed on my abdomen, asked me questions, asked me where I was in my cycle (the answer was, according to my knowledge, only a couple weeks in). Basically he had no clue. We discussed the possibilities of lady problems, a cyst maybe, I don't really remember. I believe he offered me birth control, to which I responded gently that that might be counterproductive to our desire to have a child (something we'd been attempting for about nine months at that point).

When he learned we were TTC (trying to conceive) he said, "Well! Let's do a pregnancy test just in case!" They already had a urine sample so he slipped out of the exam room, leaving the door cracked, and I waited.

I saw him coming back through the crack in the door and he was smiling and my heart almost stopped. Indeed, when he walked in he still had the smile on and he informed me cheerfully, "It looks like you're pregnant!"

I was pretty much in shock after that. He gave me the down low about needing to call my OBGYN and set up initial appointments and I numbly just shook his hand, my eyes watering a bit, and hurried out. I didn't say a word to Nanny though I think she could guess (most of our immediate family was aware we were trying), because I needed Greg to be the first to know (after me and the doctor of course). I was texting my sister all the way and she pretty much guessed what was going on when I told her I couldn't tell her anything until I talked to Greg.

Nanny dropped me off at work, and I was relieved because all the cramping and bloating stuff really had eased up. I went to Greg's building and pulled him aside to give him the news.

He had the biggest smile. :) He said, "I thought that might be the case." Of course, I was very confused about the timing of everything because I was almost certain I had had a period, but we were happy. FINALLY, am I right?!

And then I went to work and the bleeding started, and I was filled with dread. Greg called the OBGYN for me maybe that day or the next, and they had me come in for some blood tests. The results were very positive and they told me, "Well, you're definitely pregnant!" There were other things, more details, more questions. And they told me to come back on Monday for more blood tests to check my levels were rising.

So I went through the weekend. I woke up on my birthday (a Friday - I took the day off work) and was just depressed. I felt hopeless and despairing and certain that the worst was happening. I Facetimed Trina and she made a last-minute decision to come visit. So that was nice. I had my sister there for my birthday, a splendid birthday party, and the following day we went to a baby shower for a cousin.

It was nice having Trina. She made me feel excited and hopeful, and I got to enjoy the feeling of being pregnant for the little time I had.

To make it brief...I guess I was miscarrying pretty much the whole time. Obviously we were devastated. I was in shock for practically a week after. Honestly, the actual pain of the miscarriage has eased over time, including the chemical pregnancy I experienced in August (essentially a very early miscarriage that never really stuck). The real pain that has compounded since then is the months of trying and trying and not being able to get pregnant. We've found underlying reasons for that struggle, but overall it has been a hard year.

I have had high times and low times and sometimes they both happen at the same time! Strange, I know. I can't even go into all of the feels. Too many feels. I will just leave it at - I am grateful. I am grateful for Greg, for the gospel and the comforting power of faith and hope, and I am grateful for my body even on the days I am mad at it for disappointing me. I am very happy and grateful for my life and for our blessings. I'm also sad too. That's about all there is to say. I am good, and I am happy...I am just sad too.

I've been thinking the past few days about what the purpose of pain is. I still don't really know. I know it is natural and that it is important. One talk I read said, "Pain is a gauge of the healing process and often teaches us patience." Ain't that the truth!

I didn't want to let the year mark pass without acknowledging it. Thanks for your love and support. :)